I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
