SEEEEXXX PLEASE
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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