There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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