My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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