The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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