oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
