Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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