i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What drink are we having for lunch?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
