I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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