I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
