and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
