I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
