People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
