If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
