he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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