i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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