I wish I could punch you in the face.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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