Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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