I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
