It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
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Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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