Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
