i love accidental penises.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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