Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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