There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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