i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
