I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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