he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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