nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
A bitchslap is in order.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
