Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
