is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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