Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do vagina's smell?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
