U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
