A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Couch. On fire.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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