So drunk its hurt
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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