how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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