I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
