So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
