alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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