girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
