Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
