my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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