look no pants
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
