Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
