my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
