Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
