How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
