kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
