I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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