you're like a bully in the Christmas story
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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