Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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