I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize