I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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