Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
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