You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
