Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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