Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
