Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
