It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
