I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
we're so committed to being not committed
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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